Update

I went to the doctor this last Thursday and found out that the disk that has been giving me issues since the surgery, is going to have to be fused. It means they will go in and remove the disk, then replace it with bone. I admit that is was pretty depressing finding this out. In fact I cried part of the way home, and then most of that night on through the next day. I finally figured out that I had been saying God was in control of this for almost five months, but was not reassuring myself that he was. It was like a mask. Not to let anyone know that I was this upset, I had this mask on. I called a dear friend of mine (Brian) that Thursday night and broke down. I mean like a baby. We talked and prayed and cried, and by the end of our conversation I felt a little relief. I got my Bible and asked God just to speak to me and show me what was going on. Well, I opened up and immediately it was on the exact peace of Scripture I needed.

Jesus Heals Blind Bartimaeus

46 And they came to Jericho. And as he was leaving Jericho with his disciples and a great crowd, Bartimaeus, a blind beggar, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the roadside. 47And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" 48And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" 49And Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." And they called the blind man, saying to him, "Take heart. Get up; he is calling you." 50And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. 51And Jesus said to him, "What do you want me to do for you?" And the blind man said to him, "Rabbi, let me recover my sight." 52And Jesus said to him, "Go your way; your faith has made you well." And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way. - Mark 10:46-52(ESV)


God was showing me that I was looking at this trial all wrong. You see this whole time I have said I was praising Him. But I wasn't. I was focused on when was this going to be over and done with. You see when we are suffering, we don't think about praising God. We don't always stay focused on Him. I had been selfish and was on a poor me pity trip. Admit it we all get on them sometimes. Anyway, God showed me that I should not be focused on "how much longer is this going to be, or why me". He was showing me instead that I needed to be calling out to him continuously, just as that beggar had. That my focus needed to be on the here and now. That my heart had to be open to what He needed to show me in this present time. If I focused on when it was going to be over with, I would miss the whole point now. In verse 48, it says when they tried to rebuke him and silence him he called out even more. That's what needed to be happening in my life. When those doubts and the "how much longer" gets in the way I have to call out more more than ever. Third day sings a song called "Call out to Jesus", and it makes perfect since now. Sometimes we need that trial to show us how much we need God. We are not in control, and when we realize that it makes it easier for him to work and reveal His plans for us. That was the perfect picture for me. I know now were my focus will stay. Sure there will be rough days, but God has shown me to focus on Him here and now. Thank you Father. He knew about all of this before the day I was born so I have to know His sovereignty through this.

Thank you all for your prayers and please continue to pray. I will try and update a little more often. God Bless you all, Ben